The Trump Way

Listen, it’s not me, but I’ve been hearing you’re a crook and a pervert. Really, I like you. I think you’re fantastic, but I’ve been hearing that you did some weird things with inflatable dolls and stuff. I mean, really, what you do in private is your own business, but some people seem to know about it and are spreading stories.

Somebody said you stole some stuff when you were living in New Jersey, or was it Canada? You might want to see a lawyer. I think there might be grounds for a lawsuit. Talk to your lawyer. Personally, I love the Canadians. And speaking of Canada, I heard you were born in a foreign country and might have ties to al-Queda. That’s not me saying it, but others are and being very unfair. I can’t tell you who because it’s not important. I don’t believe a word of it, but if you ever wanted to run for president or get a job, it might be a problem.

And somebody told me you’re not religious, that you don’t believe there’s a God. Hey, your beliefs are your own and I don’t care, but some people might be offended. They might think you’re a bit of a maniac. I don’t, but others might. This is more than me. This is a movement going on. Personally, I love you. I think you’re a tremendous person. I hate to tell you all this.

Look, I’m trying to help. I have your best interests at heart.